: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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