i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
