so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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