Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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