im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
