He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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