how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
