Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
