Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
