i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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