i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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