Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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