I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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