then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
