It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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