Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
