a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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