Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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