Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
