I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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