i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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