Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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