Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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