I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
