his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
