We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
