i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
