I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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