The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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