You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
