I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
