she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
