if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize