i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
