fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
