I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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