textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
