i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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