You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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