The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
