He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
