Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
