3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize