I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
