does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
