Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
4 words: hood of his car
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
