I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
