so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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