Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
