I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
