you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
