If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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