Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
