only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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