Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize