everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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