Please, let me fuck your mom
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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