Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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